The Revelations of Ron
by thebratprincelestat
Summary: JESUS: Coming soon to a Hogwarts near you
1. The Book of Commencing

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UBER WARNING DISCLAIMER: OK, a couple of things first. NUMBER 1! THIS MAY BE EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE! It deals with religion, and if you can't deal with that, then go away! Thank you. Number 2! It contains slash. Later. Deal with it. Number 3! I don't own the characters, settings, etc. they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Enough said. Trudge on, daring souls.

The Book of Commencing

Chapter the First

Ronald Weasley was in the middle of a potions exam when he had a revelation.

It was Tuesday and Ron was sitting in a silent potions dungeon. By some miracle, he had managed to pass his OWLS with an Outstanding and landed himself in NEWT potions.

At the moment he was struggling with a problem about time-ratios and willow's bark, or something. He had nearly given up and decided to draw little sheep in the corner of his parchment when a thought crept into his head.

__

Wait a minute, I'm Jesus, I can do anything. I'll ace this test!

Yeah, that's right, I'm - hold up! I'm what?!

Jesus. Remember?

No!

Well, you always knew subconsciously.

Really?

Yup!

Why didn't you tell me this before? Think of all the failed exams!

He quickly jotted down 851,520 for the question he was working on.

_So, any answer I put down will be correct?_

No, the answer you write will be correct because you wrote it.

Oh.

Twenty seconds later, Ron had finished the entire exam in record time. Of course, he had answered each question with things like "blue mountains," or "I hope not" and all were correct.

To everyone's surprise, he stood up and left the room.

Chapter the Second

Ron walked into the Common Room. He had been thinking about being Jesus and decided he didn't really have any proof. But that would change when they got their Potions exam results back.

People swarmed him the moment he entered the room.

"Ron! Did you see your exam scores?!" cried Dean.

"You got every problem correct!" Neville added.

"How did _you_ get the top score?" asked Blaise Zambini, his voice full of malice.

"It's because I'm Jesus!" Everyone stared at him for a moment before breaking out in laughter.

"Good one Ron!" Seamus said, between laughs.

Satisfied, the crowd quickly dispersed. Ron walked over to where Harry and Hermione sat.

"Ron," Hermione said, getting straight to the point. "How _did_ you get that score?" If no one else believed him, at least they should.

"I'm Jesus," he said casually.

"Really, Ron, how'd you do it?" asked Harry who had only gotten a C+.

"I told you, I'm Jesus," he said a bit more seriously.

"Honestly, Ron! I don't like being lied to, and I'm sure Harry doesn't appreciate it either."

"Maybe you don't believe me, like a real friend would," Ron said angrily, "but you do, right Harry?"

"Well, it is a little hard to believe..."

"So you take her side?!" He glared at them. "Great friends you are!" Ron left the common room, face bright red.

Chapter the Third

Even though it was afternoon, Ron was alone outside. He didn't really have anywhere to go, so he wandered in pointless circles, fuming.

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Did you really expect them to believe you?

Yes!

Well, they might have if you didn't lose your temper.

I didn't lose-

The Old Jesus never lost his temper.

There's was another Jesus?!

Watch where you're going, He told himself, changing the subject.

Ron looked down and nearly fell over. He was standing on the lake! On the lake! This would prove he was Jesus for sure!

He quickly turned around, looking for anyone he could use as a witness. There was no one.

"Damn it!" he swore in frustration. A bubbling sound erupted behind him and he turned in time to see the Giant Squid's body float to the surface of the lake and burst into flames.

__

Note to self: avoid use of the phrase 'damn it.'

Chapter the Fourth

When Ron returned to the common room, He had calmed down enough to start thinking about how that one cloud outside looked like a sheep-- Dean immediately hurried up to Him.

"For your Divine Holiness," he chuckled, pressing a book into Ron's hands. Laughter broke out in patches across the room. Ron looked down at the book He held. "Bible?" He didn't get it. He casually opened the book to a random page. It was just a lot of "haths" and "beths." He was about to close it when He spotted the word 'Jesus.' It was a book about Him! He scanned down a little further and another word caught His eye: 'crucified.' What was that supposed to mean?

The only person He could think to ask was Hermione. She was probably still annoyed, but she would never come between someone and knowledge.

"Hey, Hermione. What does 'crucified' mean?" Ron asked casually, as if nothing had happened.

"It means they nail your wrists and feet to a large wooden cross then leave you to suffocate slowly as your chest collapses, Ron," she answered harshly. Ron looked like he was going to be sick.


	2. The Book of Judas

Yeah! I finally posted the 2nd chapter. Sorry it took so long. DragonHunter1 had it. She wrote the first chapter. This one is mine! All mine! Bwahahaha!! Anyways… Please comment if you read it! Even if you hate it. I enjoy reading flames. They're funny. Brave souls, trudge on.

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The Book of Judas and Judas

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Judas number one

Ron was deeply engrossed in The Bible. Every once in a while he would exclaim about something every one knew, but him. Harry and Hermione were pointedly ignoring him.

"Hey! I have disciples!"

Harry and Hermione shook their heads in pity.

"Um? Hermione? What's a disciple?"

"Disciple: noun; a follower or student of Jesus."

Ron blinked.

"Twelve people who follow you around all the time, Hermione sighed.

"Like Harry! Harry's my disciple!" Ron yelled excitedly, and began to furiously flip through The Bible.

"More like the other way around," Harry mumbled.

"I'll call you…" Ron continued flipping the pages until a name caught his eye.

"Judas! I hereby dub you Judas!" Ron exclaimed, quite proud of himself.

"Um, Ron-"

"Not now, Hermione, I'm on a roll. Now, let's see, I'll call you-"

"Ron!"

"What?!"

"Judas really isn't the best name."

"What?! Why not?!"

"Ron- Judas betrayed Jesus to be crucified then hung himself."

"Harry! How could you?" Ron pointed accusingly at him.

Harry moaned and shook his head.

"And all this time I thought you were my friend." Ron looked very depressed.

"Ron! Harry's not Judas, and you're not Jesus!" Hermione yelled.

"Yes, I am!" Ron yelled back.

"SHUT UP!" the other Gryffindors in the room retaliated.

"Prove it!" Hermione whispered angrily.

"How?" Ron whispered back.

"Why are you, _Jesus_, here?"

"Well, maybe it's the second coming," Harry helped out.

"Harry! I wanted _him_ to figure it out!" she said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"That's right! Second coming! What's a 'second coming'?" He added to Harry.

"It's when Jesus returns to Earth, and God is supposed to judge the world and Satan."

"And all the good people are supposed to disappear to heaven seven years before," Hermione added. "So, what happened? Why is no one gone? Hm?"

Ron took on glazed look as he consulted his alter self. He decided to consult an expert.

"Ron?"

Ron finished up his subconscious conversation.

"Ron?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Remember the report of the 3 Hogwarts students that disappeared 7 years ago?"

"Yeah…you don't mean…3 students! And one of them was a Slytherin! And what about me?! Wasn't I good enough?! I don't believe it! It's not true!"

Ron looked on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry, Ron, it's just, well, you CAN'T be Jesus."

"I thought at least you guys would believe me."

And with that he left the room.

Room 13

Ron stomped out of the Gryffindor common room, heading towards the astronomy tower, spun around, walked back through the common room, up the stairs, to the boys' dorms, grabbed a jacket, and walked back out again. Jesus stormed up the stairs and was about half way to the astronomy tower, when something caught His eye. He decided He'd go in, in to room marked 'ROOM 13.'

He reached out and began to open the door, when suddenly he fell backwards as big, dramatic music began to play. The door fell closed again, and the music stopped as soon as the latch clicked. Ron held his hand to his chest, making sure he was still alive, then remembered he was Jesus and most likely couldn't have a heart attack. Ron risked the dreaded door again, rushing through and slamming the door behind him, then stood panting on the other side.

He looked around Room 13 in awe. Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this. It was an empty room with a single couch in the middle of it. Devoid of anything better to do, Ron sat on the couch. He stared at the wall opposite him.

He briefly entertained the idea of going back to Harry and Hermione out of shear boredom, then remembered he was mad at them, and his thought process flowed from pink bunnies and purple daisies, and lots and lots of sheep, to how he was sitting here, staring at a wall, and had nothing better to do than to hang out wit his sum total of 2 friends. 

__

You're pathetic.

Hm?

You should get a life. Get a girlfriend. Something. Anything!

But there haven't been any girls I've really been interested in and- is Jesus allowed to have a girlfriend?

Did Moses part the Dead Sea?

What?

Never mind… the point is…

At this point, Ron stopped listening. The voice was getting pretty annoying. So he got up and left.

Judas number two

The next morning, Ron had made up with Harry and Hermione, for lack of something better to do. As they were walking into the great hall for breakfast, they passed the Slytherin table as someone sneezed. In natural response, Ron said, "Bless you." Immediately, a group of Hufflepuffs started singing a heavenly chorus and Jesus, Judas, and Hermione stopped, mid-stride, and slowly turned around. Malfoy sat at the end of the table looking rather bewildered, with a spot light, seemingly from nowhere, shining down on him and feathers slowly drifting down from above. Ron mentally put his head in his hands. Malfoy frowned and blew a feather off his nose.

"Dammit," he cursed.

The Bloody Barron, who just happened to be drifting above the Slytherin table, suddenly left the hall, appearing to be on fire, though that was obviously impossible.

"Dammit," Ron said again.

The feathers resting on Malfoys head and shoulders spontaneously combusted. Malfoy blinked, then began glaring at the light still shining on him.

"Da-," Harry and Hermione quickly clamped their hands over Jesus' mouth.

The Hufflepuff chorus continued.


End file.
